The bronchitis has run its course, but the wake of bipolar ping-ponging still bounces me. And I’m desperate to find some equilibrium. Looking at my journal entries from last year around this time, I was a little shocked to see that I’m repeating myself.
From last year:
Kind of back to normal. I’m still not sleeping well. Just want to curl up in my chair and watch back-to-back movies. Feels like I’m starting over after being sick. So maybe I should look at what I want my life to be now. What do I want to focus on? Work toward?
I could have written that yesterday. It makes my ass tired to think I’m back at this place. Every time I get sick, every time I go through a long episode of mood swings, I have to pull up my socks and refocus. I’m always battling my weight and compulsive eating, my inertia, my disappointment in absent friends. BlahBlahBlah. I’m sick to death of this same old song.
My TOPS membership will be due in December, and I decided not to renew. I’m also resigning as the Weight Recorder. Now I know that making decisions under the influence of bipolarness is unwise. I also recognize this throwing in the weight loss towel as part of a different cycle. I give up, say I’m going to accept myself the way I am, gain weight, panic, and go back to trying to control my eating. So I fully acknowledge that these decisions are sick-brain-driven and, most likely, temporary.
But, I would like to accept myself the way I am. I would like to, once and for all, let go of the fantasy that I can lose 150 pounds and be at all desirable to the opposite sex. I’m not hideous. I’m just an obese, middle-aged woman on the way to crone-hood. I want to accept that and find some happiness in THAT, not wait for a body or a partner that are never coming. I mean, I went to freaking England by my fat self and had a fabulous time. I don’t want to wait anymore. For anything. Or anybody.
And I guess I’m grieving that old fantasy, both embracing the full truth of who I am and pushing it away. But the more I can wrap my arms around myself, the braver I’ll be about going after what I want. Like deciding to spend two weeks in Tucson this winter. I’m renting a little house on the desert because I loved Tucson twenty years ago when we vacationed there and have always wanted to go back. Because my allergist said I would do better in a warm, dry climate. Because my shrink said to get out of the dark this winter.
So, I’ve been taking my cats on practice runs to get them used to being in the car for long stretches. Because I want them with me in the desert. And we’re figuring it out. Like I’m figuring me out. And we all may get car sick on the way. And we all may cry, and mew, and protest. But at least that’s a new song.
